I had a conversation with a friend of mine this week that’s had me thinking a lot about my dating preferences. Specifically, I’m thinking about whether I’d be willing to date a single mother. For a long time, now, I’ve steered clear of women with children, not wanting to add “complications” to my life. My friend read the post I wrote prior to this one, and she was offended. I never intended to offend, and I haven’t even considered that I might be offending anyone prior to this conversation.

Ten years or so ago, I did date a woman who had a little girl. I lived with them for several months, and I loved them both intensely, but the mother eventually decided she loved another man. It was for the best, as we were in different places in our lives, but I was very hurt at the time. The hardest part for me was having to say goodbye to the young girl. I have a huge soft spot for kids. I kept contact for awhile, and even sent the girl birthday presents or cards for a couple of years afterward. It was very painful for me to think of what the girl had to go through when her mom and I broke up. I didn’t and don’t want to go through that again. And since then, I have steered clear of single moms.

My friend is a single mom. I want to point out that she is in a happy relationship, and her motivation is not to win my heart. I believe she simply wanted to confront me on what I now think has been poor judgment on my part. She pointed out to me that many of the women around my age whom I am likely to meet will have kids and that I am cutting out a large number of potential partners by excluding those with kids. I began to realize that I was being unreasonable. I do want kids one day. I love kids, and I’m good with them. And so why would I cut out single mothers as potential dates? I’ve deemed a whole class of women unworthy of my love. And for what? Because they’re mothers. As though this were some horrible defect. As I think about this, I see it as irrational. I mean, mothers! These are strong women. Women who’ve undoubtedly persevered through countless struggles, women who’ve done what it takes to make sure their children are cared for, women who know far better than I what it means to put the needs of another above one’s own needs. Not only has my judgment been irrational, it’s been shameful. I feel ashamed. I’ve been thinking these women weren’t worthy to date me. The opposite has been true. I’ve been unworthy of them. And in that sense, I was unwittingly right in avoiding single moms. I’ve not been mature enough that they should risk a relationship with me.

I’m seeing that this is related to relationship issues I’ve discussed in therapy in the past. I’ve avoided relationship, at least very committed relationship, because I didn’t want my life to get messy. I didn’t want to have to change. I know now that relationship is always messy. It always requires change. Real relationship does not just fit into the cracks in my life like mortar around bricks. Real relationship smashes into the bricks and knocks them apart requiring a new structure to be built incorporating the original bricks as well as those from the new person (or people) in the picture. A woman with children will certainly knock my bricks down. She’ll also likely have skills to help me rebuild with all of our extra bricks.

Those who know me well know that I’ve been growing a lot recently. Especially in the area of relationship, I have stretched and grown. I’ve taken risks in relationships, that I wouldn’t have taken a year ago. Some of these risks have had painful results, but I’ll admit that the deep, deep pain feels better than the numbness I’ve lived with by not opening myself and not risking. I think it’s time for me to let go of my old fears. It’s certainly possible that I will have to let go of important relationships with mothers and their children again. And if that happens, it will be painful. It will also mean that I have enriched my life by knowing and loving some beautiful people with an open and vulnerable heart. I already feel lucky to know one single mom, and I’m grateful for her honest friendship.

Why is it that I always gravitate here when I'm feeling sort of melancholy or blue.  One would think that I need some Prozac if they based their opinion of me only on my blog entries.  I need to make it a point to write when I'm happier.

That said, I'm a bit deflated tonight..  I responded to an ad on craigslist.  I responded because the woman wrote a very passionate passage about what she wants in a partner.  She issued a challenge for someone to respond to her.  So, I did.   I wrote a long heartfelt piece about what I want from a relationship, who my perfect mate would be, etc..  Well, I got a response back tonight.  It was a very favorable response.  Anyhow, I used her email address to find her on another social networking site.  There was nothing particularly bad on there, except that I found out she has kids.  That's what I get for snooping around, I guess.  I wish she'd mentioned it.  I wouldn't have responded.  I suppose she gets that response all the time.  Probably she doesn't get any responses if she mentions it.  Anyhow, now I have to think about whether I'd be ok with dating a woman with kids, again.  I have been purposely looking for women without kids.  If she hadn't written such a great piece, there would be no quandry.  But I complain about not finding women of depth.  Then one comes along.  But at what price?

I love kids.  Really I do.  I'm great with them, and I love them.  But if I'm going to raise someone's kids (not something I'm at all sure about the older I get) then I'd prefer they were mine, you know?

Well, I'm falling asleep.  Maybe I'll dream up some solution.

It's raining.  It's always raining.  I kinda like the way it blows down over that street lamp over there, though.  Things seem to be improving.  It's not that my outward situation has visibly improved that much, but I feel different.  And when it comes down to it, that seems to be what's important.  Of course, the exteriors are important, too.  It's just that for so long, I've gone around feeling like I had to think certain things and feel a certain way or I couldn't be considered conscious.  Well, fuck that.  You know what?  Even if I'm not conscious, pretending that I am won't help the matter.  We all have to go through all of the steps in order, anyway.  So, pretending I'm something I'm not is probably more likely to insure that I get stuck, rather than helping me to advance.  Besides, I'm not convinced that I can't hold my views and still be conscious... really conscious, not just considered conscious.  RC, not CC...UC?  And so what the fuck am I talking about here?  Ok... here we go.  I'm not ready to criticize corporate America.  Yes, there are greedy, materialistic sons of bitches in Corporate America.  There are also a whole buch of really intelligent folks running those big corporations, and those folks are faced with the challenge of running a large company in a socially, ecologically, politically, popularly acceptable way.  Meanwhile, they get criticized for every less than enlightened move they make.  Business is becoming more conscious.  They want to make us happy, really they do... we're their potential customers.  I want to support them in finding their ways.  I don't want to crucify them.  We depend on them.  I really don't think the way forward is by going back.  I'll admit, I used to think that.  I used to think it would be great if the whole infrastructure came down, and we were all reduced to fending for ourselves in some sort of Mad Max post history.  Maybe we'd form tribes again.  I don't think that's the way, anymore, though.  I'm getting tired.  I think I'm talking in circles.  but the way forward is through the chaos, not to shy away from it.  That's the way systems develop.  They go through a period of increasing chaos until a critical mass is reached where the whole system has enough energy to reorganize at the next higher level.  That's where we need to head.  The idea is to add more energy.  Keep pushing forward.  Turning back will only sap the energy needed to break through.

That's what I think tonight.

I was just noticing that ken wilber is as big as god in "popular blog tags".

Also, ghandi is almost as big as gandhi (and buddha and jesus, for that matter) as our most loved heroes.

Have a great day.
Say a prayer to ken for me.

Jason

Yep.  That's all for now... just wanted to set that intention.  Maybe I'll write more later.  Now, it's bed time

Jason

P.S.  I made the attached collage this week.  It was for my therapy appointment.  I like it.  A lot.